Me back in 1999
The funny part was that when I was in my mid-20’s, I was very fit. I exercised regularly, ate a balanced and healthy diet, and was able to control my weight without much effort. I was also very independent and a lot healthier emotionally.
So, you can imagine my disappointment when I began noticing that I had gone from a size 6 jeans to a 16. It was then I began noticing that even those jeans were already fitting me quite snugly if I say so myself. I no longer felt attractive and this was constantly reinforced by my spouse’s constantly roving eye and it slowly began to erode our physical intimacy.
I looked in the mirror one day, and found this woman:
I didn’t even recognize her anymore. This wasn’t me! This was a miserable shell of my former happy, confident, and very healthy self. I decided to do something about it. I began exercising at home. Although my spouse and I made good money, I could not justify to myself spending money on a gym membership. Thinking back on the utter stupidity of that statement, I confess between the both of us, we routinely spent over $100 a month for cigarettes, and still I could not see myself spending a fraction of that for my own health. I realize now that my problem was that I did not believe I was worth the effort and expense.
A few years before that, I had signed up for a 1 year gym membership through a discount program with a previous employer and did not go one time. I always had an excuse for not going, and my spouse offered no support other than wanting me to get out of the house so he would not have to spend so much time with me. So, every time I mentioned a health club, he did not waste the opportunity to point out how I had not attended for a full year and why should now be any different.
So, despite him and the passing of my mother a few months earlier. I began devoutly exercising at home during a long marital separation we had in 2007. I managed to lose about 40 lbs in 6 months through exercise, diet, and diet pills. Every time I would think about my failing marriage, I would put on my sneakers, and exercise. This was my way of coping with the stress, disappointment, and finding myself entirely alone after so many years, but still having to support and nurture 2 children on my own. I began dating a gentleman who turned out to be a really nice guy, but not very understanding of my situation at home. That short-lived relationship was destined to fail, but it began opening my eyes. I had been in an abusive marriage and I was damaged emotionally.
I had forgotten what it was like to spend time with someone that was actually interested in me and was not going to constantly judge me, or jump down my throat each time we disagreed. I rediscovered that I was worth listening to, paying attention to, and that I was an attractive, kind, intelligent and very interesting woman. My mistake during that time was in reconciling with my husband. Now, I found myself right back where I started from, but this time, I had almost succeeded in freeing myself of him, but then sabotaged myself. I would pay dearly for this mistake and not only by gaining all the weight back.
Sometime at the beginning of 2009, my spouse began working on his own body. He had already lost about 70 lbs. He had lost too much weight and began looking frail and wanted to sculpt his body instead. He then managed to pack on a lot of muscle with lots of sweat, a high protein diet, and hard work. I was very proud of him. But, as his body changed, his inner self changed as well. He became even more disagreeable all the time. He would pick fights for no reason and every time we argued, he would literally run away and began spending nights away from home; something he had never done before. He became obsessed with what he was wearing, and the way he looked. He once had a fit and would not leave the house because he could not find lotion for his feet for a day at the beach. Once we got to the beach, he stood by the seashore flexing his muscles waiting for women to notice him. Of course, I began finding this egotistical behavior increasingly repulsive, and it shot my woman radar into overdrive. He was desperate to convince me I was being unreasonably jealous. We butted heads because I could not understand WHY he needed so much constant attention all the time and WHY it needed to be from other women. Don't ask me why, but he then convinced me he had outgrown the community center where he was training at, and wanted to join a real gym. I wanted to make the relationship work and wanted him to be happy so in March, we both enrolled in a local Bally’s through another discount program with my current employer.
Me in February 2009
At first, we began going together, and it was quite fun. We would wake up at 5:00 am and he would drive us to the gym. We both began seeing the changes in our bodies. He even convinced me to sign up for personal training sessions to maximize my workouts, which proved to be invaluable. What I hadn’t noticed in all of this was that my husband had been cheating with a parade of women for over a year prior to April of 2009, when I found out. That's what was going on. I could not put my finger on it, but I had sensed it all along.
For a couple of months after, I tried to forgive him and myself for not seeing it sooner, but he made no attempt to change the situation. He simply worked on trying to get better at hiding his tracks. He then tried to manipulate me and force me to beg him back when he announced he was leaving in July. He called my bluff and thought that I would have no other choice but to accept him back home along with his harem of women on the side. He believed financially and emotionally I would not be able to stand on my own two feet.
But, the tables had somehow turned and he was entirely oblivious to the changes I had gone through. I remained dedicated to improving my body and my weight began dropping as a result of weekly cardio kickboxing sessions and one on one training with the heavy bag and my trainer's constant direction. The transformation of my body was also morphing me on the inside. I began seeing things more objectively, acted less impulsively, and realized I was the one who had all the power all along. I had allowed him to take that from me and I was done with that!
I locked him out of the house, and slowly but surely began to dissolve and separate any joint financial responsibilities we once shared. To be perfectly frank, it wasn't very difficult since mostly everything was under my name anyways. The last point of contention was his cell phone which was under a family plan under my name. I decided to take back the line and because of an ongoing contractual obligation with the carrier, I had to have a phone activated. It was then I began receiving phone calls from all the women he had been seeing while we were together. That was an interesting time to say the least. At first, I would call these women back or string them along by responding to text messages so I could acquire information, but I realized I needed to move on from that. That was another major source of stress and tension so I simply turned off the phone one day and left it at that.
Today, I am about 50 lbs lighter than in the picture above. It's been several months since he left the house and moved into his own place. I feel better emotionally and physically. For the first time in a long time, I feel I am strong and independent and I have continued to maintain working towards my own personal goals of where I feel my body should be. I still train mainly with free weights, body-weight resistance exercises, circuit training, dab in kickboxing and boxing, jog; I am now working on my first set of non-assisted pull ups, and I throw in some cardio for good measure. My arms and legs are muscular and there is a hint of a 6 pack under the layer of fat that still covers my abdomen, but I realize that will soon go, too. I still have a ways to go, but I am definitely a lot happier with my physique today than I was a year ago.
I no longer focus on the ‘personal appearance’ so much. I want to live a long healthy life. I now focus more on eating well, keeping stress down, getting enough rest, and empowering and balancing myself. I still have a love hate relationship with my scale, but it seems that everything else is falling into place.
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